when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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