Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize