I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I want to fling myself into the sun
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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