If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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