i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
