I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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