the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
