why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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