he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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