I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Life without a bra equals bliss.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
