I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize