and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
