I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
