When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
