Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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