If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
