so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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