party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
