just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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