You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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