I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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