You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
