Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
