i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
