im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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