dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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