Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
