the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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