He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
