I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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