Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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