Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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