I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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