fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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