no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
