Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
if only i could text you this smell
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
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