i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
