just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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