There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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