this just has baby written all over it
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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