The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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