I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
