i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
