It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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