I think I died a long time ago.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
