google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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