i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
