Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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