It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
not ubering you a puppy
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
