Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
