Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So drunk its hurt
I'm jealous of your bromance
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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