i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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