"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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