she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
