I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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