Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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