My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
