Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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