This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
