My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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