Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
