i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
