Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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