Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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