we're chasing vodka with high fives
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
