i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize